Not Worth It
by yusahana6323
Summary: Every night, he can't help but wish things are the way they were... even though, really, it won't change anything. Post-anime Shirogane/Akira one-shot.


_I think I figured, "Hey, if I post up every single thing I have in store now then when I run out I have an excuse to just take a break haw-haw!"_

_Unfortunately it's more that I just hate having stuff sitting on my computer perfectly finished and gathering dust._

_Anyway... this one-shot takes place in the anime universe rather than the manga universe. Though Akira still acts like I think he does in the manga. Hm._

_Basically if you haven't seen the anime, you'll probably be confused._

_-shot for rambling- _

_Enjoy!_

* * *

Again, he was awake, alone in the dark. He wasn't sure just how long he had been awake, or if he had actually gone to sleep at all. It was all blurred together. It felt like it had been only minutes, when, in the long scheme of things, it had probably been hours.

He didn't understand why this was all bothering him so much. He had never really wanted any of it anyway. He wanted to simply roll over and try to go back to sleep, but he remained in place, staring off into the dark of the night, without moving, as if that would change something. It wouldn't, and he knew that, but something inside him wanted to stay this way. Lying like this, he could pretend.

It was stupid to pretend. He tried to tell himself that. Pretending wouldn't change anything. Pretending wouldn't help anything at all. But, there was a sort of comfort to it, as the flickering projection of a tall, slender man, pale as a ghost, took its normal sentinel at the bedside.

He stared at it dully, heart barely pulsing in his chest. The man's eyes were closed, playing at sleep, a soft smile painted on his lips. It seemed so real that he felt he might be able to reach out and touch that silken silver hair. He wanted to try. Slowly, a hand slipped out from underneath the covers and stretched out, but he jerked back at the last second.

_Stop it. _He told himself that word sharply. _Stop it. It's not worth it._

He pulled back under the sheets and pulled them tightly around him. Still, though, he couldn't look away. The vision was too enthralling. His tired, but alert, mind tried to reason through it. He had never wanted that man near... he had never wanted anything to do with him. So why would the familiar memory hold such power over him?

Perhaps because he had just grown used to him being there, and now it was mere empty space. He told himself that. It was reasonable, acceptable, so it should have been convincing. It wasn't. It only intensified the ache within him. With a long sigh, he pulled the covers over his head.

Even with the sheets obstructing his view, he could still see the Shin King's form glowing near him. He felt, though he knew it was just in his mind, that familiar, loving presence. It was something that, as long as it was there, he had tried to shut out. Now, he got the itching feeling that he only wanted it back. It didn't make any sense at all.

It was only when it came down to Shirogane that Akira couldn't quite figure out how he felt.

He had never been kissed before. Not for the first time, he raised a hand to trace his lips. Shirogane's presence was lingering there, warm and sweet and powerful. That first kiss had been like embracing lightning. He had been powerless against it, and it had rushed his entire being.

It seemed so long ago. The last one had been so different. Instead of that raw power that had overwhelmed him before, there had been almost a nostalgic wash in it... like Shirogane had been about to cry. It had brought tears to Akira's eyes, and he had blindly reached out at the last moment. He had been too late... and it was over. Shirogane was gone.

His sight was blurry all of a sudden – Akira rubbed fiercely at his eyes.

_Stop it. It's not worth it._

He viciously rolled over, tearing his eyes away from the memory and shut them tightly, trying to drown it all out. But it was as useless as it ever was. Still the memories played across his eyelids, and he felt as if he was tearing apart.

Maybe… if he admitted it…

"I miss you," he whispered to the still night air.

No response, and he suddenly was overwhelmed. He didn't want this. He had never wanted it. He tried to will it all back. He wanted things to change… he wanted them to go back to the way they had been. A burning tear ran down his cheek.

_Stop it. It's not worth it_, he told himself again.

But… if it would bring Shirogane back… if he could be held in those strong arms again, and hear that silky voice in his ear… he felt that crying, and wishing, and dreaming would be more than worth it.


End file.
